But what if I told you that some moms in New York City’s Upper East Side are paid “wife bonuses” by their husbands for good housekeeping and parenting. Yes, you read that right.
Wednesday Martin, author of the forthcoming memoir Primates of Park Avenue, began studying the women of the privileged Manhattan neighborhood after moving there from the West Village to be closer to her in-laws and a good public school. There, she found a culture of powerful, well-educated women that power-dressed for the school run and managed the household like a CEO.
These women’s husbands, who worked as hedge fund managers or ran private equity firms, were the breadwinners of the family. The women, dubbed “Glam SAHMs,” didn’t work outside the home, but instead spent a lot of time working out and practicing “intensive mothering, exhaustively enriching their children’s lives by virtually every measure, then advocating for them anxiously and sometimes ruthlessly in the linked high-stakes games of social jockeying and school admissions.”
Still, the most bizarre element of these privileged women that Martin uncovered was the “wife bonus.” She recalls one mother saying she would wait for her “bonus” before buying a table at an event. Perhaps this was a one-off? Not so. She then discovered another woman (with a business degree but no job) who mentioned waiting for her “year-end” to shop for clothing.
Imagine getting a bonus if you did your “mothering” duties well enough? I don’t know whether to demand one myself, or feel completely outraged.
Part of me would quite like my husband to say, “Oh, bless you for organizing birthday parties for our children every year, and likewise Christmas, Halloween, Easter, and every other event. Here’s a LOT of money to go and spend on yourself. Yay you!”
The other part of me would punch him in the face. Because is it right that a husband/partner “assesses” you on your performance as a mother? What about his performance as a dad? Also, what about sharing the whole parental load together and taking equal responsibility in the raising of BOTH your kids?
I guess in situations like this, the Glam SAHMs have to do the lion’s share of the work since their husbands are out earning the dough. Often women treat being a SAHM as a “job” in itself, so should it also come with a bonus? Personally, I don’t think so. To me, the idea of being paid in any way to be a mom defeats the entire purpose of being one.
Martin discovered that the wife bonus was often drawn up in a pre-nup or post-nup and was based not only on how well the husband’s fund/income had done, but on the wife’s own performance. This could include how well the wife managed the home budget and whether the kids had gotten into a “good” school or not. In turn, these bonuses were a ticket to a “modicum of financial independence and participation in a social sphere where you don’t just go to lunch, you buy a $10,000 table at the benefit luncheon a friend is hosting.”
Personally, I would never want to live like this. It’s a horrific thought that a man calls the shots in such a way. Surely all women are trying to be the best mothers they can be. So what happens if the “good” school doesn’t have enough open spots for your kids or the home budget is exceeded because your son lost his sports equipment for the third time? Does that mean you don’t deserve a bonus? What a happy home that would then be.
Since I was 14, I have earned my own money and will always continue to do so. I appreciate that there are women who are able to give up work to raise a family because their husbands can afford to support them. I salute them in their choice, I just would never be comfortable entirely basing my finances on a man. Perhaps this is because I saw my own mother have to move out of the house she shared with her partner — that he owned — when I was 15. I swore then that I would always be able to support myself because that made me secure, safe, and powerful in my own right.
When it comes to these wife bonuses, are we not returning to the Dark Ages with such a financial arrangement? Next we’ll be expected to have a dowry and take a turn about the room to ensnare a man of “means.”
